Christmas 2007 –  

Love. 

“Love is essentially an abstract concept, much easier to experience than to explain.”, says wikipedia.  “Some feelings that are often associated with love:

Affection: feelings of tenderness and/or wanting physical closeness
Attachment: satisfying basic emotional needs
Altruism: selfless or unselfish concern for another
Reciprocation: if love is mutual
Commitment: a desire to maintain love
Emotional intimacy: sharing emotions and feelings
Friendship: the spirit between friends
Kinship: family bonds
Passion: whole-hearted desire
Physical intimacy: sharing of intimate personal space
Self-interest: desiring rewards
Service: desire to help

Sexuality can be an important element in determining the shape of a relationship, however, there are many ways to express passionate love without sex. Affection, emotional intimacy and shared interests and experiences are common in friendships and kinships of all human beings.”

I love you Suzanne.  Affection, attachment, altruism, commitment, intimacy, passion, service.  All these emotions and more…

On this Christmas day I can only say, “I love you.  Thank you for entering my life.”

 So what is the purpose of our relationship?  You drive me nuts at times with your femmy uncertainty and moodiness.  I am so not there with you. 

But at times… in your bed… I am so one with you.  Our spirits rise together into the light.  You fulfill me and I, you.

So maybe our purpose isn’t to become one, but to share the moments we connect.  Those moments when our intentions and attentions are in sync and love surrounds us.

Maybe my purpose is to love you fully and wholly when I can.  To stay out of your way when I can’t.  To be a joy, to be an addition to your life.  To fulfill you as you do me.

To love you. To pleasure you.  To make you more than you are by yourself.

And in return, you offer me contentment. You let me know I am loved.  You complete me.

Thank you, you strange, annoying, beautiful, amazing woman.  I love you.

Seasons Greetings

As winter ‘07 sets in and the air chills and its’ northerly winds begin to blow, I’ve begun to wrap myself up in soft, sweet smelling blankets of love and happiness. 

For too many winters past I’ve remained bare and chilled deep to the bone.  Down into my very soul.  Treading through the snow and ice with nothing between me and the harsh elements… shivering, shaking and freezing nearly to death.  All the while the blankets lay there on my bed, neatly folded, clean and warm… just waiting for me to take them up.  But I didn’t know any better.  I thought they weren’t mine to have.

This winter I’m doing differently.  The first blanket is music.  Good, sweet music. Bela Fleck, Natasha Bedingfield, Rebecca Lavelle.  It’s a blanket I wore many years ago, but had forgotten in the back of a closet some where deep in my soul.  Welcome back blanket. 

Over that I wrap myself in the blanket of thought and new ideas.  It’s a crazed quilt of books and videos and good conversations… of new, thrilling ideas and paths to travel and explore.  To the warmer places of rapturous ecstasy, hot sexual encounters, and a passionate, full and glowing life.

Lastly, I bundle myself tightly in the affection of new friends, and the love of one special one. 

This blanket was the longest missing from my life.  I thought for sure it was gone for good… lost some wheres along the line, never, ever to be found again.  But it was right here the whole time.  Dopey me.

It’s the softest against my cheek, the sweetest smelling to my nose.  It feels more than anything like a long, warm, affectionate hug.  No matter how very cold this winter gets, it gaurantees to protect me and stay wrapped about me for as long as I need.

Blow winter, blow.  It’s all very good.  I’m good.

“To do is to be” – Socrates
“To be is to to” – Sartre
“Doo bee doo bee doo” – Sinatra
“Scooby doo bee doo” – Hanna-Barbara

The god you worship is the one you’re capable of becoming.

-Joseph Campbell

Nietzche was the one who did the job for me. At a certain moment in his life, the idea came to him of what he called “the love of your fate.” Whatever your fate is, whatever the hell happens, you say, “This is what I need.” It may look like a wreck, but go at it as though it were an opportunity, a challenge. If you bring love to that moment — not discouragement — you will find the strength is there. Any disaster you can survive is an improvement in your character, your stature, and your life. What a privilege! This is when the spontaneity of your own nature will have a chance to flow.

Then when looking back at your life, you will see that the moments which seemed to be great failures followed by wreckage were the incidents that shaped the life you have now. You’ll see that this is really true. Nothing can happen to you that is not positive. Even though it looks and feels at the moment like a negative crisis, it is not. The crisis throws you back, and when you are required to exhibit strength, it comes.

- Joseph Campbell, Reflections on the Art of Living

When you are required to exhibit strength, it comes.

- Joseph Campbell

We must be willing to get rid of
the life we’ve planned, so as to have
the life that is waiting for us.

- Joseph Campbell

Wow.  What an amazing few months it’s been.  A beautiful, wonderful woman has stepped into my life and nothing will ever be the same.  I love her, adore her and admire the heck out of her.   She is a one in a billion woman.

I also happen to hate her guts at times but hey, whaddaya gonna do?  The woman’s got her own spirit, direction and opinions.  She certainly challenges me.

We see eye to eye on a lot of things, literally.  Eye contact is probably the first thing that drew us together.  And we both believe in the beauty and connected-ness of it all… the wonder that is found in all the people we meet.  The power in simple gestures… placing a hand over each other’s heart, breathing together and touching… “it’s all good.”

It took seven years of knowing of one another before we actually ‘met’ and felt the same, “Wow. Who the hell are YOU and what did you just do to my heart?”, “Welcome you!  No… Yes.  I can’t, I will.  Never, please right now!!” lol!

So up to now it’s been great, great stuff.  The path she has been on for the past 10+ years, the things she’s studied, are all things I want to learn too.  She’s put words and direction to the things I’ve already learned, felt and desired for myself for a long time.  I’ve really gotten caught up in her wonderful life.

The parallels are so amazing. She calls it conscious breathing, I call it learning to play the saxophone. She calls it the contexts of Co-Active Coaching and levels of listening, I call it transactional analysis and sensory perception. She calls it connected-ness, I call it being in the moment. Ask and it is given/The power of positive thinking… David Deida/D&s… perception vs. reality/hearing vs. listening… we are on definitely the same paths.

But now it’s time to make choices and decisions and return to the realization that I am not her.  My life is not hers, much as I’d like it to be.  It’s my life.

That’s not to say I can’t change, I’m just acknowledging that in order to pursue all the things she has, I’ll be starting from a different place and time.  I’d love to study Aikido, take CTI training and attend some Body Electric courses – because I feel drawn to do so.  I sense that they will contribute to balancing me and fulfilling my life.  But unlike her, I have a marriage to wrap up, kids to help see off into their own lives and a regular 9-5 job. Well, 5:30 to 4 actually… but you get the idea.

Time.  And then there is money.  My next big move in life is to move out and create my own space.  To build a base of operations for the next 20 years or so and that’s gonna cost me.  In many, many ways.

So I need to return to the life plan that I was working on before she stepped in and turned my world inside out.   So much of what she’s learned in her life coaching, I’ve done intuitively.  Identify the issues, own up to what caused them and how you feel about them, plan an approach to dealing with them.

My current area of personal growth revolves around relationships.  More specifically, closing the book on bad ones, seeking positive ones and entering into them in a healthy manner that doesn’t unconsciously lead me to ever sacrifice ‘me’ again.

So, it’s not important to ‘catch up’ with my woman right now, much as I really want too.  It’s important to lay the foundation of the rest of my life first.  That means focusing on getting my finances in order, moving out on my own and beginning to center my life on me.

Deep breath.  Yep.  I realize it might just mean shaking hands with her and saying, “Good-bye for now…  Hope we can meet again in the future.”  That will really, really suck. Really. Boy, would that suck.

But… it’s my life.  For better or worse, it’s time to start living it.