Thanks, I needed that. (Polyamorous reflections)

   So, I totally choked this week on my lover’s plans to spend a couple nights with another guy.  We had talked and talked and talked through all of this many times, attended classes on polyamory, read books, and on an intellectual, rational, thinking level, I was so cool with it.

   It does so make sense that I could never be everything for her nor she for me.  It makes sense that to keep the relationship alive, we need to constantly refresh things… seek out new experiences and things to return back to one another with and say, ‘Wow… check THIS out!’  It makes sense that we need to be whole and complete unto ourselves and not dependent upon the relationship for our sense of well-being.  It all just makes sense…

   But then I choked.  I got pissed.  I bitched.  I pouted and basically drama-ed up the entire thing to the point that she cancelled their plans at the last minute.  I didn’t do or say anything I didn’t mean… nor can I blame her for misunderstanding me.  I was hurting big time emotionally. 

   I quickly apologized and begged her to reconsider, I wrote apologetic emails to the guy, apologized repeatedly over the phone to her.  And I felt so bad.  I couldn’t have believed it was possible, but I felt even worse than I had up to that moment.

   He for his part, was magnanimous, gracious and understanding… I’d almost hoped he’d be a total dick about it, but no,  he really is a great guy.  If I felt like I wanted to bust both his kneecaps and send him home in a wheelchair, I was definitely gonna have to find another reason.  Total insanity most likely.

   She was sad and upset but in her usual way, stepped into it all with tolerance and loving patience for me.

    So.  Experience begets pain, pain begets learning if we try and let it.  I wanted to learn from this and I did. 

   Here is what I learned.

   Emotions are not rational.  I knew that, but somehow I kept stupidly thinking that if I read more, or talked more or negotiated more it would change.  It doesn’t change.  Emotions simply do not respond to rational thought.  They only respond to other emotions and experiences and this experience showed me that the pain I felt for disappointing both of them was far, far greater than the hurt I felt over her desire to share some fun and intimacy with him.

   I experienced the pain of knowing I did far more damage to our relationship than anything that could have happened over those two days would have.  She loves me.  She’s told me, he even told me, and I believe it in my heart.  And I paid that love back by hurting her in this instance.  THAT is the a lesson I took from this.

   That as bad as it might feel, it can be worse.  That I can choose to be loved or I can choose to push love away by hurting the very ones that want to love me.  That is something my emotional side can respond too and accept.

   Thanks Suze and David… I needed that. 

  Author’s note: I continued this post in ‘My Passions’.  You can read it here.